A Fear

Good morning,

So I schedule for classes at college in about… an hour and a half.  I’m a little worried that all of my classes will some how fill before then.  I know that probably isn’t the case, but that doesn’t necessarily stop me from worrying.  however, my fear of not getting my classes is not what this post is about.

My fear… this is kind of a silly fear, but it’s a fear I’ve had for a very long time.  I fear throwing up.  I can’t stand it.  I would rather get blood drawn or hang out with all of the people I despise than puke.  Why?  Why do I hate is so vehemently?

When I was three, yes I can remember that far back, I had a nasty stomach bug that only reacted when I had milk.  Other dairy products, like cheese or yogurt, did not affect me, just straight milk.  So I haven’t had milk since.  When I was seven, I got another stomach bug in the summertime.  I ended up puking in my local library.  To my seven year old self, after I got better, this logic stayed.  If I didn’t eat, then I wouldn’t have anything to throw up.  So I went through a period were I ate very little and food gave me a lot of anxiety.  It took several years, but I have done so much in conquering my food anxiety.  I still have get attacks once in a while, but they usually only last through the winter and fall season.  However, when someone who lives with me or whom i work with gets sick, I panic.  I freak out and start trying to calm down and relax, but it’s really difficult for me to do.  The panic takes over and I’m fucked for the day.

Amy Pond got sick last night.  I don’t think she has the flu or anything, just some food poisoning because she has no other flu symptoms.  Which means it’s not contagious which means I should not be panicking.  Yet, I am.

Let’s hope I can calm down and keep myself under moderate ease until I’m done scheduling.

Blogging from Places: Starbucks

Ah, I dos o love this place.  What place?  Starbucks.

Aside form the fact that the entire establishment smells of coffee and backed goods (two smells that I absolutely adore), it has some of my favorite drinks.  I know I’ve been cleared from my liver function tests, but I am concerned about a relapse since I haven’t been sleeping a lot.  Being in and out  of the ER and having my boy keep me up does not make for eight to ten hours of steady sleep.

Instead of my usual latte or mocha, I’ve got a mango smoothie.  It is fucking delicious.  It’s all fruit and protein powder and it makes me feel all good.  The only downside to this chilled drink is that if I take outside it’ll turn into a Popsicle.  It’s really good out and while many of my peers are choosing the warmer drinks, I like this.  It’s caffeine free and healthy.

Let’s see, on to other news…  Like I mentioned before, my liver function tests came back normal and therefore, I can engage in physical contact sports and activities, have caffeine, and alcohol.  Amy Pond is still in the hospital.  We do not know what is wrong wit her, we only know that she is miserable.  They’re running tests but nothing has come back.  I’m really worried about her.  It’s really scary.  I’m still writing in the story I mentioned, it went along with my muse poem.  It’s going slower, but it’s still moving.  I know I should edit (because my first drafts are usually so fucking wordy that I sit there with my red pen and go “how on earth did I write this?”), but I want to try and finis the second chapter before I do that.  Hopefully, I would finish the outlined chapters three and four before I started on edits, but I don’t know how well that would go.  Not that I don’t think I wouldn’t be able to write, it’s just getting to be that time of the semester when all my teachers dump work on my simultaneously.  Usually when that happens I stay awake at all hours and ignore everything, including my editing.  I am determined to get through this, at least through the rest of the chapter.  If I really want to edit after that, then I will.  Hopefully that will go alright….

On the list of things I need to do this weekend: text set, annotated bibliographies, worksheet for grading, reading response for math… Homework wise that is it I think.

OH!  So, my boy wasn’t in a great mood last night but he said he had a present for me.  I went and got it and it was necklace.  It’s pretty and sparkly and made of diamonds.  Not all made of diamonds, but just the charm.  🙂  He’s super nice like that.  🙂  He makes me feel very special (and not eat the paste special)

I think I need to try and finish this stupid kissing scene before I run to meet up with Mayzie la bird and … shit I don’t have a name for her!…. ummmmmm  The Jewelry Maker!  YES!

Don’t Forget To Be Awesome!