A Fear

Good morning,

So I schedule for classes at college in about… an hour and a half.  I’m a little worried that all of my classes will some how fill before then.  I know that probably isn’t the case, but that doesn’t necessarily stop me from worrying.  however, my fear of not getting my classes is not what this post is about.

My fear… this is kind of a silly fear, but it’s a fear I’ve had for a very long time.  I fear throwing up.  I can’t stand it.  I would rather get blood drawn or hang out with all of the people I despise than puke.  Why?  Why do I hate is so vehemently?

When I was three, yes I can remember that far back, I had a nasty stomach bug that only reacted when I had milk.  Other dairy products, like cheese or yogurt, did not affect me, just straight milk.  So I haven’t had milk since.  When I was seven, I got another stomach bug in the summertime.  I ended up puking in my local library.  To my seven year old self, after I got better, this logic stayed.  If I didn’t eat, then I wouldn’t have anything to throw up.  So I went through a period were I ate very little and food gave me a lot of anxiety.  It took several years, but I have done so much in conquering my food anxiety.  I still have get attacks once in a while, but they usually only last through the winter and fall season.  However, when someone who lives with me or whom i work with gets sick, I panic.  I freak out and start trying to calm down and relax, but it’s really difficult for me to do.  The panic takes over and I’m fucked for the day.

Amy Pond got sick last night.  I don’t think she has the flu or anything, just some food poisoning because she has no other flu symptoms.  Which means it’s not contagious which means I should not be panicking.  Yet, I am.

Let’s hope I can calm down and keep myself under moderate ease until I’m done scheduling.


Today, I am dragging.

Despite getting a lot of sleep, I still feel exhausted.  I know this is from Mono and the winter blues and the emotional hangover I’ve got from this funeral, but I am tired.  I’m tired of being tired.

I’m hoping by tonight I’ll be feeling better, because Call Me Maybe and a really good friend of mine are coming over since I’m making soup.  I really do just want to feel better.

Here’s hoping.

Finally, a real postIt

Hi everyone.

First off, I’m sorry I haven’t been updating much, if at all in this past week or so.  I’m finding it very hard to sit and write.  Probably because every time I sit down and relax I feel sleepy and then all I wish to do is sleep.  Mono is tough and to be fair, I’m doing as well as I can with it.  I’m going to all my classes and doing homework and being social and having a active relationship.  It’s all a lot of work and it leaves me really drained.  Then again, I’m always tired lately.  Just exhausted.  However, I can make it through this.

On another random note, I’ve been trying to eat healthier because for the first week or two of Mono, I had a swollen lymph node and it hurt to swallow everything.  So there was a lot of soft, still mostly healthy food.  However, I had no appetite.  Now… Now I can’t seem to stop eating.  I”m trying to aim for healthier foods, but it’s been a battle.  I’m not feeling… I mean, I still feel pretty and cute and everything, but I’m feeling a little pudgy and hopefully, making healthier snack choices will help my case.

Another note, my Nana (grandmother) passed away on Friday.  She was really sick and now she’s some place warm and happy.  I guess… I have a lot of mixed feelings about this one.  A lot of it is family and personal related, but there is one random thing.  I went out to see Hansel and Gretel Witch hunters last night (more on the movie in a  minute) and i needed a warmer jacket.  I ran and grabbed a green fleecey one I got for Christmas.  I got into the car and realized that the sweater was from my Nana and I didn’t send her a thank you card.  This seems strange and silly all at once  but it made me feel so sad.  I guess I miss her more.  I’m still unsure about when the funeral is, so that should be fun.

Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters was not the worst movie I’ve gone to see in a while.  But it wasn’t brilliant.  I enjoyed all the action battle scenes, the score (well done Hans Zimmer), and Jeremy Renner, who played Hakweye in the Avengers.  So it was a fun movie.  Me and the boy haven’t been out to a movie since break. I thought it was nice.  We had the whole theatre to ourselves and he hid me when the really gross parts came on.

I hate to leave you all, but I will really try to write again later, a prompt or a story idea or something.  I need to get ready for class.

Love to all and Don’t Forget To Be Awesome!

Some Sunshine with the Rain

metaphorically speaking of course, although somewhat literal.  The weather here has been somewhat unpredictable this time around.   Cold one day, sunny and warm, raining, snowing, windy to the point where Mary Poppins should have been floating around while other, lesser nannies were being blown away.  However, the weather is not the point of this post.

So I have Mononucleosis.  I am tired all the time and my lymph node on one side of my neck is much larger than the other one.  I have a serious amount of gunk in my nose and my body literally can’t get enough sleep.  I went to the doctor’s yesterday and she prescribed me some antibiotics for strep because she isn’t unconvinced that I don’t have it, some steroids to get the swelling down in my neck, and some pain killers for the serious amount of my pain I’m in when I swallow.  That was lovely.  Then I got blood work done.

To put it lightly, I am not a fan of needles.  However, they only needed to take two vials of blood so I did okay.  I had not eaten all day though.  So my mom and I got out of the doctor’s office and I started feeling dizzy and light headed.  Quickly. we went to Olive Garden and I had strawberry lemonade and chicken and gnocchi soup.  It tasted really good, but I couldn’t do much else.  I looked like death and felt worse.  We took the rest of lunch to go and returned home where I slept for a few more hours.  I felt so pathetic that I couldn’t even get through lunch after blood being drawn.  I felt worse than pathetic, useless and a burden.

The nap and copious amounts of advil helped, but I still woke up feeling really sad.  So I sat and talked with my mum.  She’s being super supportive and helpful and very nice.  I won’t be back in classes until Wednesday, should probably email teachers about that….   Okay, will do that in a bit.  So I got through my crappy day with lots of sleeping and reading and talking.

My boyfriend stopped by last night, cause he said he would and that made me really happy.  He surprised me at the door with flowers.  A bouquet of flowers that were yellow and red and pink and cheery.  I couldn’t have been more surprised and happy.  I love getting flowers but I rarely get them from anyone.  I was so happy.  He makes me so happy.  He put one in my hair and we went downstairs to cuddle and we talked and it was wonderful.  🙂

With all the metaphorical rain, I did get a bit of sunshine.

Life with Mononucleosis

Hello ladies and gentlemen, it’s Wednesday.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with mononucleosis and I’m not going to lie, I am not happy about it.  I mean, it’s nice to know what wrong with my body, but MONO??  I was not happy when I found to say the least.  Right now, my body aches a bit, my nose is stuffy, my tummy is tender feeling, and the lymph node on my side of my neck is so swollen that is is pressing painfully against my throat and it hurts.

It is most definitely not the greatest time in my life.  However, I report that I have excellent company as of this moment in time.

My lovely cat Mouse refuses to leave my bed.  She seems to be concerned for my general welfare and happiness as she knows I love her and she knows that since I’m pretty much bed ridden at the moment, I have no choice but to pet her while I fall asleep.  She’s a lovely cat, she is.  Except for when she bites, but that only happens when she is crabby or you touch her white spot.

Otherwise, my days hasn’t exactly been full of lots of excitement.  I have been sleeping for the most part and drinking lots of fluids.  I’ve been rereading City of Bones so I can start reading the rest of the series and know where I am going.  I am hoping (desperately so) to be well enough in the morning to go to my classes so my teachers can talk with me face to face about my absences and my mono, which I think might be alright.  The teachers who have gotten back to me about my mono have all been really nice about it, which gives me high hopes for their acceptance of my absences in the future.  Here’s hoping at least….

My mom wants me to come home for a few days.  I can see her point of view for the fact that her daughter is slowly getting sicker.  I don’t know, I really want to try and make it to my Tuesday Thursday classes before I go home and to my Math class on Friday because it’s only the first week of the semester and I cannot believe that I am ill enough to have missed two days.  TWO DAYS!

It’s a travesty I tell you.

I usually don’t mind skipping class once in a blue moon, but this is seriously uncool.  I don’t want to fall behind this semester, I would be terrified to do so this early in the game.   I guess that is why i’m a little unsure about going home and having my parents take care of me.  Although, for all the excuses I could have found to have my parents take care of me, Mono is a pretty damn good one.

So, to remedy a small misconception, how does my mother know?  Well, I called her after my appointment and she visited me last night, bringing me left overs and food and my thermometer, which I hadn’t had before, and a balloon.

Yes, my mommy got me a balloon.  I was ecstatic.  I like balloons but this one says I love you and is shaped like a heart.  I guess it makes me feel very special.